I am such a freaking baby. I am so aggravated with myself.
I was flipping through one of my old Bibles, looking at passages I have highlighted and written by, and I came across these two passages…
Hebrews 11:36-49
(speaking of those who have been faithful to God’s call) “But others were tortured, refusing to turn from God in order to be set free. They placed their hope in a better life after the resurrection. Some were jeered at, and their backs were cut open with whips. Others were chained in prisons. Some were died by stoning. Some were sawed in half, and others were killed by the sword. Some went about wearing skins of sheep and goats, destitute and oppressed and mistreated. They were to good for this world, wandering over deserts and mountains; hiding in caves and holes in the ground. All these people earned a good reputation because of their faith, yet none of them received all that God had promised.”
Hebrews 12:1-4
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping out eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects out faint. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up. After all, you have not yet given your lives in your struggle against sin.”
While reading these passages, I just grew more and more angry with myself. This year has been the worst for me spiritually in a long long time. And honestly, there is no good reason for that. Yes, things have been weird. Yes, I am learning a lot. But no, those are not good excuses (not like there really are any good excuses…). I should have been clinging to God, not growing distant. I have to force myself ready my Bible now. Force myself! That is terrible and incredibly sad. I cannot quit cussing no matter how hard I try. I get stressed out over things that are so insignificant and stupid. I have very little self discipline. My self esteem has dropped. I am just a mess. And it’s all my fault. For whatever reason, I decided to stop zealously seeking the Lord. I forgot what it is to be earnest and genuine.
But these guys in Hebrews 11 literally looked death in the face repeatedly and never turned away from God. They NEVER received what God had promised….after a life of struggle and persecution..yet they STILL REMAINED FAITHFUL. So what the hell is my problem? Talk about needing an attitude adjustment! I am completely amazed with how selfish I am. But we haven’t even gotten to the best part…
Jesus, the holy Son of God, suffocated to death on a piece of wood after being beaten, ripped open, spat on, insulted and called a blasphemer because he knew of the joy God has promised us all…He is the campion…Hebrews 12 tells us to rip off our sinful nature, cut out the parts of our lives that slow us down and just run towards the Light. I am not doing that! I am just sitting here, a complacent little brat, ignorantly waiting for something to happen. Then…verses 3 and 4 just top it off…”Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up. After all, you have not yet given your lives in your struggle against sin.”
After all, you have not yet given your lives in your struggle against sin….talk about a slap in the face! I need to wake up and get my shit together. Just read that line again…knowing everything Jesus went through, everything the followers in Hebrews 11 went through….read it again..”after all, you have not yet given your lives in the your against sin”.
I am so angry…
Things are going to change.
They have to because what I am doing now, is not going to cut it.
I know some of you are probably thinking the same thing. So, I welcome you to join me. God calls us to be warriors for Him, earnestly seeking Him with zealous hearts.
with love,
j.
The Patio 
Hey Julia.
I just want you to know that the way you talk to yourself in this post is not the way I would talk to you if you came to me and told me you haven’t been reading your Bible much lately, or you’ve been saying “shit” too much. It’s not even the way I would talk to you if you told me you’d murdered someone (even though I’d report you!) And more importantly, I happen to believe deeply that it’s not the way Jesus would talk to you.
I know you have a deep desire to live a radical life of love and mission in the Way of Jesus. I also know that this life is not attained through anger (even self-directed) or zealousness (the Pharisees were incredibly zealous; more than you will ever be, and they killed Jesus) or even self-discipline. This Way is only achieved, as the writer of Hebrews says, by “keeping our eyes on Jesus.” I think if you do that, you’ll see him looking at you differently, more tenderly, more lovingly — even in the agony of the Cross (“Father, forgive them. They don’t know what they’re doing”) — than you seem to be looking at yourself right now. I think that also changes the way you look at yourself.
This “weight” of legalism you are putting on yourself is slowing you down. There is a better way. His yoke is easy. I hope you’ll consider my response, and that if it seems too good to be true, you will compare it with the stories of Jesus. In them, you will find him talking to a Tax Collector, a Whore, and a Thief, among others. I think you and I can both agree those are some lifestyles worse than what you’ve described. So pay close attention to HOW Jesus talks to them, and compare how he talks about them with what the religious people say about them. I think that will help you.
And whatever you do, don’t let this post make you feel guiltier. That’s not my voice or the voice of Jesus talking to you, but some other voice entirely. In your study, the best thing you can do is learn to discern which is which. You’re doing good. But it is the Spirit of Jesus working in us that matters more than our own work. And we are promised He will complete the work that he has begun. I, and everyone around you, can confirm that He has begun a work in you. So you can accept by faith that he will also finish it.