for the record, I don’t really think I am a screw up…I just fee like one.
[insert friend’s name here] is upset with me because I shared some..information..with mutual friends that she would rather me not have shared. Which I understand. Then, the people I was talking to came under the impression that I said some things that were directed towards [insert friend’s name here] in a negative way and she is upset with me because of that too.
I really should have thought through what I was saying before I said it. It wasn’t something I planned on saying. I also should have thought through who I was speaking to. Talking to mutual friends about past issues involving me and her was not okay. So I am mad at myself about that. And at the time, I was a little frustrated with my roommate and was tired of trying to hide it from everyone so there would not be drama but because of that, I said some things that were taken the wrong way and hurt my roommate. So I am mad at myself about that too.
Of course, [insert friend’s name here] does not want to listen to me, which is understandable I guess and our mutual friends probably think I am an awful person now. I mean, they already decided to talk about what we discussed with [insert friend’s name here] and without meaning to, kind of started drama.
So now I kind of feel really unwanted here. Which I guess is understandable.
Now I am feeling really conflicted. I am genuinely sorry for my actions and I wish I hadn’t said anything to anybody. However, this whole not wanting to believe me thing with [insert friend’s name here] is a reoccurring thing. She always thinks I am lying to her. ALWAYS. I’m not even sure why because I can honestly say that I do not know a time when I lied to her about something…or if I did because we were in public to avoid having the conversation, I talked to her about it later. So I am just at the point where I don’t know how this friendship can be okay if there is not mutual trust. I don’t know what else I can do.
I honestly don’t know why I am blogging about this.
I guess I just want to put it out there.
I am very sorry to [insert friend’s name here] for the things I said and I am also sorry to [insert mutual friend’s names here] for putting you in a really awkward spot.
not that this post makes things any better.
but there it is.
with love,
j.
The Patio 