at church tonight I wrote in my journal during worship…my heart was heavy and restless and I couldn’t make myself sing or worship…so I wrote in my journal instead and it kind of reminded of some of the Psalms, lamenting to God, feeling ashamed and wanting to hide from God’s presence. So here is my psalm. Even though it isn’t song lyrics or a poem. I share this with you not because I really want to but because I think that in order to become a unified community of God’s children, we have to transparent and vulnerable with each other. I am not asking for sympathy or for you to feel sorry for me. I have put my heart in this place and I have no one to blame but myself. So here we go….
I avoided my 20 minutes alone* with you** today because I didn’t want to show you how gross I am. I still don’t want to. God I am wretched and shallow and full of darkness. I have let sin creep into my life and it is strangling my heart. I want to cry out to you by my pride clogs my throat. Guilt silences my voice. Lord, what have I become? Where has your child gone? God, how to you even recognize me? I want to lay this all out for you but I don’t want to accept your forgiveness. It hurts so much to let you tell me that it’s okay that I hurt you. I have caused you and so many people around me pain because of where I have let my heart wander. I don’t know how to humble myself enough to let you take it all from me..I don’t even want to say all of the things I am ashamed of. I am sick with myself. God..I am so sorry…I am so evil and broken. My heart is bruised from the beating I have given it. When did I stop guarding my heart? I don’t even know…but it was a long time ago…
But I know…
that even though I can hardly stand myself, I know you are the one who is going to pull me though. I HAVE to let you in. I have to let you see me…and all of the brokenness that I am. I have to let you love me, even though I don’t want to. You deserve so much more than me. But somehow, you still think I am worth the risk. God, I am going to need so much of your help silencing my pride and letting go of my guilt. I am going to have to trust that in you, nothing is broken. We are made whole in your glory. All of the mess that I have made my life into is a blank canvas for you…
and of course…as we were talking about the discussion topic (the Holy Spirit, actually), this verse was brought up…
“Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.” Romans 8:26
..the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words…
God loves me so much and wants me to feel his love so badly that the Holy Spirit will intercede for me when I don’t even know what to say with groanings too deep for words…that is beautiful…
that’s all I have…I hope my pain (that I inflicted on myself) can help you grow…
with love,
j.
*this is a week long thing I am doing for a book study I am in. Taking 20 minutes a day to be still before God.
**when I say “you”, I mean God. I am writing directly to Him. and I don’t know the rules of when or when not capitalize it so I just don’t. ha.
The Patio 
Love you dearly, and praying for God to break through your walls with his all consuming love and ever flowing grace…