…and the first will be last.

Last night was a long night. I think I finally fell asleep around 6:30 aI. i just had a lot going on in my head.

It’s funny how often I think I can figure out everything by myself. I guess I am foolish enough to think that I have enough wisdom to understand life and what it throws at me. I’d like to think that someday I will.

That someday I could be like grandmother willow  in Pocahontas.

Buuuut let’s be honest….nobody will ever know everything they need to know to live life perfectly.

We can never satisfy ourselves with our own wisdom.

So when I woke up today I kind of felt at a loss. I didn’t feel anymore at ease after having a night filled with thoughts and conversations and blogging and pondering and lame attempts at trying to understand what I was dealing with. I just felt stuck.

Over the last few days, I have avoided spending time with God. I don’t know why but every time I sat down with my Bible I just couldn’t make myself open it.  And every time I thought maybe I should just pray instead, I didn’t know what to say. Maybe I was afraid of the reality that I needed God for the answers. I think I really wanted to know that I could handle myself on my own.

How foolish.

If you guys read my first post, you kind of know what I am talking about.

I decided that I couldn’t avoid God anymore. Not like I was really avoiding Him because, well, he never really leaves. I took a walk through the trails behind my house and I took my Bible and Journal with me, and I just sat down and started to write. I wrote to God about what I was thinking about and how much it had been bothering me and eating at me and it felt really good. And as I read over it, I started to see where I had gone wrong.

I have been so caught up in making plans and seeing as many people as I can and doing as much for other people as I can and not wanting to let other people down that I had started to put my worth in that. It made me feel good. I took pride in how many people I could see in week or how out-of-the-way I could go for someone or how many hours I could squeeze out of the day. I wanted to know how much stress I really could handle. I have been replacing God with my schedule.

I opened my Bible, finally, and of course God had something perfect to share with me…

Matthew 20:1-16

¹“For the kingdom of heaven is like a master of a house who went out early in the morning to hire laborers for his vineyard. ²After agreeing with the laborers for a denarius^[a] a day, he sent them into his vineyard. ³And going out about the third hour he saw others standing idle in the marketplace, ⁴and to them he said, ‘You go into the vineyard too, and whatever is right I will give you.’ ⁵So they went. Going out again about the sixth hour and the ninth hour, he did the same. ⁶Andabout the eleventh hour he went out and found others standing. And he said to them, ‘Why do you stand here idle all day?’ ⁷They said to him, ‘Because no one has hired us.’ He said to them, ‘You go into the vineyard too.’ ⁸And when evening came, the owner of the vineyard said to his foreman, ‘Call the laborers and pay them their wages, beginning with the last, up to the first.’ ⁹And when those hired about the eleventh hour came, each of them received a denarius. ¹⁰Now when those hired first came, they thought they would receive more, but each of them also received a denarius. ¹¹And on receiving it they grumbled at the master of the house, ¹²saying, ‘These last worked only one hour, and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the day and the scorching heat.’ ¹³But he replied to one of them, ‘Friend, I am doing you no wrong. Did you not agree with me for a denarius?¹⁴Take what belongs to you and go. I choose to give to this last worker as I give to you. ¹⁵ Am I not allowed to do what I choose with what belongs to me? Or do you begrudge my generosity?’^[b]

 ¹⁶So the last will be first, and the first last.”

…so the last will be first, and the first last. Kind of upsets my entire lifestyle of trying to do as much as I can, doesn’t it? I won’t be any more content by wearing myself out with a huge, busy schedule than if I just let God satisfy me.

Let.God.Satisfy.Me.

That is what I am going to work on. Just being content in the Lord.

Anyone care to join?

I’ll be praying for you all.

here goes plane #2…

much love,

J.